Unperfect Life

When I was younger, my father used to call me “baby”. Being the youngest in the family, I know how it was like being the center of attention. I always get what I wanted without much effort and sweat. I grew up being spoiled. I know that I was like that even before, but it didn’t made me somekind of bratty. I was never a BRAT. It used to make me feel superior over my other siblings, because whenever we argue or fought over something, I was confident that my parents will take side on me. That’s why I had always believed that I have the power to take control over everybody.
For years, I tried my best to be the perfect daughter to my parents. I excelled academically during primary school. But it was one unfateful day during 6th grade that I realized how transparent and boring my life is. I don’t want to be the person whom my parents wants me to be. With all the pressures and all the expectations they’re expecting from me, I knew I was close to losing my sanity. I was so sure that time that I am going to regret the path I was going through. That’s why when we took up the final entrance examination in one of the most prestigious high school in the country, I flanked the exam. I never reviewed for the last test. Iwas thinking that If I got in to that school, I will never find myself in the midst of my teenage years. I will be busy pleasing my parents, maintaining my grades, and fooling myself even more. I believed that If I’ll go to a different school, I will be free form all the pressures and craziness of being in a serious school.
I was enjoying every moment that I was free, free from all the things thats making me insane. But It came to a point where all those feelings of being out in the open that I realized, I was actually being pathetic, unreasonable, stubborn and hard on myself. I realized I was throwing away the dream of a parent to their child. Then it hit me, “This isn’t the thing a perfect daughter is doing”. The Last minute of the results, I was wishing I would still pass the examination. But sadly, I didn’t. I saw the Frustration and the disappointment in their eyes. For the first time in my life, I hated myself for being the worst person I became. For being so hard on myself. I felt bad for being that bad.
After the realization. I promised myself that I will never be that person again.
But As I entered high school, I broke free to the naive child that I was. I became more spontaneous and the happy-go-lucky type of person. I got in to different organizations and met so many friends. I was enjoying my high school life to the extent that I was not aware anymore of how my actions will affect my main reason for studying → to prevent a major potential disappointment to my parents. But I can’t get enough. The more I tried to put myself in the pedestal, the more I was losing it. I know I can’t be the person who I’m supposed to be. I just went with the flow. Flow of my emotions and my spontaneities. I never made it to the list of outstanding or special awardee students during graduation. The last year in high school was a struggle for almost everyone, but for me and my friends it was the time of our lives to enjoy the remaining days of high school life.
After Graduating from High School, I was actually undecided for college. I don’t know what I will be taking up. Or what course bests suits me. I was thinking of going to an Art and Sciences School, But my parents, especially my father wants me to go to a Nursing school. I took up the Entrance tests in different Universities and out of 5,I got in to 4. I never passed on my first choice that was UP. My average was below cut-off. So I went to a Nursing College and then settled to what my parents wanted me to take up.
During the first year of my BS in Nursing, My father died of cancer. Coping up with the loss was the most hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t let go of the thought that we will never be able to see him again alive. I’ve had dreamt of him many times already. Breathing, talking, smiling and laughing. I still can’t believe he’s gone. :(
I changed school after his loss. We had to. I have to. I failed a major subject and I lost track of time because I was so busy with my own miseries. After I got in to another school, I started from the beginning. A freshmen, again. All those money and time spent were wasted during the last school year.
And As I moved on with this new chapter of my Life, I have to take this seriously. I Thank God I met someone whom I can share my incompleteness, my thoughts, my complaints about this world and the people around it, my happy, sad, painful memories, the unending laughters, smiles, talks and sweet moments. And lastly, cares for me like my father did. A person who never fails to put a smile on my face and makes me proud of who I am despite the fact that my life is unperfect. Thank you. My unperfect life will never be perfect without my family, friends and you. :)